Death by tires

29 Oct

In the not so distant past, I met a guy online. He asked me for my number almost within 5 minutes of me replying to his original email, and from that moment forward, he started texting me like crazy. I always feel a little uncomfortable in this moment, as it is my firm belief that everyone has a texting persona, and that you can be ANYONE you want to be in that persona. I’m weary of hiding behind technology, and besides – I don’t want a pen pal, I want a partner! So I replied with my stock phrase: “I’m not a huge texter, can we hang out in person and see if there is any chemistry?” to which he responded – surely! We set up a date – and I decided I’d test this dude out.

Dinner was sub-par in terms of conversation (the food was as always at this Thai restaurant in Philly was – excellent). I found out a little bit about him, and he found out some about me. During our conversation, he also revealed two strange things to me:

1) He was moving at the end of the weekend (this was a Friday nite!) to DC

2) He was planning on eventually moving back to India

Both of these facts were red flags to me. I’m not about to relocate to DC or start visiting some guy I had JUST met in a city that wasn’t within 1 hour of driving distance. Furthermore, there was NO way I was moving to India any time soon. “Why would he even go on a first date with a lady from Philly”, I thought!

As we were walking towards the subway (him) and my house (me), he stopped, opened up his back pack, and handed me a stuffed dog. That’s right, a stuffed animal on date #1. He claimed that they had been out of flowers when he went to get them, so he bought me this dog. Sweet sentiment – but odd to me. Because it was so well intentioned, I decided I’d have to give this guy a second chance.

On the day of our 2nd date, I hadn’t heard from him at all – despite the fact that he had been texting me like crazy the day before. So I eventually wrote to him confirming our plans. He wrote back to me indicating that he’d had a TERRIBLE day, and that something awfully terrible had happened, but that he’d make it in for our date – provided we had dinner. When we got together that night, I asked him what had made the day so terrible.

His response: “I was driving on the highway back from Maryland and I almost died!”

Me: “OMG that’s terrible! What happened?”

Him: “My tires lost pressure and I drove on low pressure for 5 miles until I found a gas station!”

Me: “Wait, you mean you had a flat tire! That’s terrible!”

Him: “No it wasn’t a flat tire, just low pressure!”

Me: “Wait…you mean your tire pressure indicator went off?!?”

Him: “I drove on low pressure for 5 miles, it was terrifying. I almost died!”

Me: dumbfounded look on my face.

Moral of the story: always check your tires. Low pressure can kill you.

That awkward moment when your teacher catches you passing a note

22 Oct

Hello world! I’m the new single lady’s friend, and I’ll be contributing from time to time with tales from my dating life. Feel free to call me friendofsinglelady or singlelady2. FOSL or SL2 for short!  I think the best way to introduce myself is through a tale that is most bizarre, and completely connects to my teacher life – which is a big part of who I am.  It all started with a note I collected…at a bar.

I was enjoying an evening at a swanky evening at a bar with two of my gal pals – we were definitely not looking for attention from men, but we weren’t going to turn down some flirty flirts with a guy who had the right stuff.   Seemingly the perfect way to both enjoy the company of men, but not be too serious about it – a group of young, flashy looking, well dressed men sat down next to us.  Three of them, three of us – it was clearly meant to be.  Unfortunately, the feeling of joy and excitement only lasted until they opened their mouths. While they were clearly good looking, and candidates for their MBA’s at one of the local business schools (one of the best in the country), they were DUMB. Smart by day, dumb by night.  In a gorgeous package.  It happens.

Realizing that they were not much more than a pretty play thing, we turned our attention back to our conversations at hand and paid them not much mind the rest of the evening, despite their attempts to lure us into conversation.  As we reached that moment where we were between ordering another cocktail, and deciding to go home, the boys next to us asked for their check. Seeing as the waitress was already there, we asked for ours too.  As we were paying for ours, the boys started to act weird.  One of them attempted to flag down the waitress, even though they had already paid the bill, and he seemed to be acting on his own. His two bro’s had looks of protest on their faces and shout’s of “no” on their lips.  I was curious, but also ready to move on for the night – when it happened.  The one pretty boy bro got the waitress’s attention, and asked her for a piece of paper. Which he scribbled on and then dropped in my lap after whispering in my ear that they were going to the bathroom – but he wanted my response.  I opened up the piece of paper….

NoteatBar… YES. It was a note! I’m a teacher – I get it. I talk about it a lot! But it’s not the 8th grade! It’s a bar! With drinks! You have to be over 21 to drink there! AND I AM A WOMAN! ASK ME OUT DOOFUS.

FYI – I didn’t check off a box, but I definitely spent the rest of the night laughing about this.

Hello everyone! A new single lady is in town!

20 Oct
So, since speeddatinggirl herself has retired, I (and another friend or two) will be taking over for awhile. (Until our Prince Charmings get here, at least.)  So, a couple of weeks ago, I attended a Match.com social event (aka happy hour with all single folk).  Besides running awkwardly into a few people I had seen previously at events of some sort (and had rejected as well), I had an amazing encounter with a man who was wearing a bright red shirt and rainbow-ish tie.
 
*Note: There was no ironic sense of humor involved here.  This man was absolutely serious.*
 
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a porn star.   HAHAHA. (Laughs hysterically at himself)
Me: Funny.
Him: They call me Dr. Longdick.
Me: Who’s “they”?
Him: The ladies.
Me: I see.
Him: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a teacher.
Him: (while playfully hitting me on the arm, which actually was pretty hard) Do you molest any of the students?  HAHAHAHA (Again, laughs hysterically at himself.)
Me:  Well, I try not to get caught.
Him: Are you serious?  
Me: (attempting desperately to change the subject) So what do you really do?
Him:  It’s complicated.  I’m kind of an inventor.
Me: What did you invent?
Him: Well, I can’t really tell you, because of the patent and everything, but it has something to do with artificial intelligence. 
Me: Like robots?
Him: Like a robot that can do EVERYTHING. I mean EVERYTHING.
Me: Awesome.
 
The end of this story goes as follows:
He asked for my number, and had his phone out and said he would call so I’d have his.  So I felt like I had to give him my real number, as to not give away my ultimate distaste for him in person.  He called, left a message, and texted.  Upon not hearing anything from me, he sent me this text:
“You are a bitch.  I mean, come on: grow up already.  You have the maturity of a house frog.”
So, I retreated back into single hood, bitchy and froggy. Whatever the hell that means.
 
 
 

A return of the SpeedDatingGirl(s)

7 Oct

Can you believe it’s been almost two years since I went on a speed date? (Well, assuming we’re not counting those romantic interludes when my boyfriend and I put down our phones and turn off the TV just long enough to wolf down a delivery pizza together. Ah, coupledom.)

Anyway, some of my fun, funny friends remain mysteriously single (pick up your game, guys!) and have been having hilarious dating adventures while I’ve been cleaning stinky socks off the living room floor, so they’ve volunteered to pick up where Speed Dating Girl left off.

Expect new posts from them soon. And, if you’ve got any dating adventures that you want to share, shoot us an email at speeddatinggirl@yahoo.com.

A small announcement.

9 Jan

I learned my lesson last time about prematurely proclaiming success. So today, without fanfare, Speed Dating Girl is quietly going on hiatus to try dating one guy for more than 4 minutes. In the interim, feel free to continue (or, um, start) emailing in your own ridiculous dating stories, and check out the new Twitter feed of Speed Dating Girl’s alter ego, Byecatsgirl.

What would Jesus say on a speed date?

26 Dec

Speed Dating Girl is taking a holiday break. May you all have hot dates in your stockings who will kiss you at midnight!

Don’t say that #90

19 Dec

can i touch you nose xo

That was the entire message that my friend recently received from an online dater. And I promise you, her nose is totally normal, so a stranger desiring to touch it struck us both as a little strange. Then it occurred to me– thanks to the writer’s lack of interest in punctuation and spelling (which would obviously make him and me incompatible) there are alternative interpretations. Perhaps he was saying “Can I touch you?” (still not appropriate, but more normal) and then signing his message with his nickname, “Nose.”

So my friend passed along his profile photo, and let’s just say, his nose did not appear to be the body part to which he wanted to draw attention. Thanks to a computer-generated white box bearing the word “Richard,” his photo was only R-rated, not NC-17, but it also had a caption: “Is it Richard Marx or Dick Cheney? Hmm.” You can take a few minutes to think about that one. I’ll be over here in the corner at the emergency eye wash.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.