A small announcement.

I learned my lesson last time about prematurely proclaiming success. So today, without fanfare, Speed Dating Girl is quietly going on hiatus to try dating one guy for more than 4 minutes. In the interim, feel free to continue (or, um, start) emailing in your own ridiculous dating stories, and check out the new Twitter feed of Speed Dating Girl’s alter ego, Byecatsgirl.

Don’t say that #90

can i touch you nose xo

That was the entire message that my friend recently received from an online dater. And I promise you, her nose is totally normal, so a stranger desiring to touch it struck us both as a little strange. Then it occurred to me– thanks to the writer’s lack of interest in punctuation and spelling (which would obviously make him and me incompatible) there are alternative interpretations. Perhaps he was saying “Can I touch you?” (still not appropriate, but more normal) and then signing his message with his nickname, “Nose.”

So my friend passed along his profile photo, and let’s just say, his nose did not appear to be the body part to which he wanted to draw attention. Thanks to a computer-generated white box bearing the word “Richard,” his photo was only R-rated, not NC-17, but it also had a caption: “Is it Richard Marx or Dick Cheney? Hmm.” You can take a few minutes to think about that one. I’ll be over here in the corner at the emergency eye wash.

A bug’s love life

I learned about the unsexiness of bed bugs several years ago when I lived in an apartment infested with them. No better way to guarantee that a guy won’t call you than to send him home all itchy.

But I had never really considered bed bugs’ sex appeal to each other until I attended the annual meeting of the American Society for Tropical Medicine and Hygiene (to my dismay this conference, unlike Comic Con, did not include any speed dating– can you imagine the fun of me trying to pick up hygiene experts?)

Anyway, I learned that male bed bugs are even less discriminating in their sexual tastes than frat boys at 2 am. “Male bed bugs will attempt to mate with anything about the same size as a female bed bug,” an agriculture expert drily reported.  And it turns out that there are a lot of things the same size as female bed bugs– of particular note, male bed bugs and child bed bugs. This, um, misunderstanding is so common that the male bugs and young bugs have a special pheromone that they emit when a male tries to mate with them. The experts had some boring chemical name for this pheromone, but I prefer to call it the “Dude, I ain’t your girlfriend” stink. The experts and I also disagreed about potential applications of this discovery– they are looking at it for pest control purposes, and I see it being useful in certain ski town bars I’ve frequented.

But, arguably, bed bugs have much more need of the chemical than humans, because we haven’t even gotten to the yucky part yet. Do you know how another expert at the seminar described bed bug sex? “Traumatic insemination.” And he wasn’t talking about the agony of online or speed dating. Apparently, female bed bugs don’t have any kind exterior access to their reproductive systems, so males STAB THEM WITH THEIR SHARP PENISES TO MAKE A HOLE! Oh, and studies of bed bug infestations have found that the bugs in a single locale have remarkably low levels of genetic diversity. Or, as a lady bed bug might explain it, these guys coming after them with their dagger penises are their BROTHERS.

So, when we got to the explanation of how most infestations are started by a single pregnant bug who hitches a ride to a new home on someone’s shoes or suitcase, I think I was supposed to be scared. Instead, I just thought, Can you blame her?

A guy who knows what he wants.

I’m being terribly lazy using other people’s material two weeks in a row, but the profile of a guy who recently emailed me was so great, I have to share it with all of you. Not sure we’re compatible, but at least we know he gives good presents.

My self-summary

lookin for someone sexy n has sexy lips. must be sexy 2 hit me up.

I’m really good at

sex yes i said it sex i cant help it im blessed down there. as well as basketball.

On a typical Friday night

I am chillin n the crib with a bottle of apple 99

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

that i was part of a threesome but i had to it was her birthday

Poll results!

Full of turkey and cheer, SDG is feeling unusually uncynical. At least about her readers. Dates are another story.

Anyway, your responses to the recent poll were awesome. (Once I found them, that is.  My success rate with new computer programs is even lower than with guys.)  So, to start, there were a few of you who offered serious responses, all of which came to basically the same conclusion:

  • Divorced & new to the market
  • recently exited a very long term relationship
  • Unlucky in love as well

Then there was the mysterious one. I don’t know exactly what it means (submitter, if you’re out there, feel free to elaborate). Being ever-paranoid, my first guess was that it was a dig at me and my lack of, and lack of interest in, said trait:

  • kind

But, unlike me, a couple of you are quite kind. Thanks for your faith, anonymous readers! Or whichever of my relatives submitted these answers:

  • your Prince Charming (ever the optimist)
  • finally one that’s worthy of you

And then, last but not least, there were all you funny people. At least, I assume they were all meant to be funny. If you’re serious, last submitter, I now totally understand why you never called.

  • robot
  • a priest
  • so awesome he intimidates everyone he dates
  • He’s me in 9 years.
  • reading your blog right now.

Don’t say that #200

I’ve been using the word douchebag a lot lately. Either because it’s popular slang right now or because I keep finding myself on dates with guys who say things like, “I’ve been thinking of getting a degree from Harvard Law sometime. Not because I’m interested in law, but just to say that I did it.”

You solve the mystery

Last week I went on a date with a single guy who is 35, has a good job, was nice to talk to, and very, very, very good-looking. How crazy is that? Readers, can you help resolve my confusion by taking the second-ever SDG poll?

The perversity of the universe

The good news is that four (FOUR!) different guys wanted to go out with Speed Dating Girl this weekend. The bad news is that she had decline all of them because she looked and felt like the “before” person in a NyQuil ad. But the silver lining is that this situation offers conclusive proof of the theory that the more effort you put into your appearance, the less likely you are to have a successful date. Think about that.

I did, and it led to some interesting questions. Namely, is leprosy still available in the US? And if I caught it, would George Clooney finally ask me out? And if the answer to both of those questions were yes, would it be worth it? Feel free to disagree, but I’m leaning yes. After all, is a small body part like an ear really so much to pay for a date with one of the world’s most eligible bachelors? (Extra bonus silver lining: I’d finally have a use for all those single earrings!)

Texting kills…relationships.

I’ve known for a while that I’m too old and/or prudish to get the whole “sexting” thing. (If I want to look at a low-quality photo of a guy’s junk, I’ll use Google, thanks.) But I only recently discovered that sexting is so pervasive, it’s now expected before we’ve even met.

It started with my friend and a guy she met online. She had yet to schedule a date with this dude when one night, he texted that he was at a bar and she should be there. She naturally felt some confusion, which increased exponentially when his next text said that after drinks they should go sit on his couch for kisses and cuddles.

And then, as my friend reports, it only got weirder.

“I had no idea how to respond to that, so after a few hours, I just replied and said, ‘HA!’ and he replied and said ‘LOL.’ Then, the next morning, at 9:53 am, I got this text that said ‘Hmm. Doesn’t soundlikeypou’dmind.’ I replied about 10 hours later and basically said yes, I do mind, because he was a stranger from the internet.

So, he decided to try and smooth things over by saying he had a couple too many drinks the night before, he was a knucklehead, and felt bad. Then, a few minutes later when I didn’t reply he wrote again and said that the truth was that the text was not meant for me. ‘I was being flirty with someone I know. I meant to send it to them, but responded to you instead.’

However, there are several problems with this… I don’t even really know which text he didn’t mean to send me. I guess the first one saying I should be at the bar? But, that means he’s trying to claim that he sent several texts that were not meant for me. And, why the crazy, drunken-style text at 9:53 am?”

It was all pretty mysterious, but I was writing him off as one random nutso, until a similar thing happened to me. I had been texting with a guy I met online– me trying to set up a date, him engaging in the meaningless texting that single men seem inexplicably fond of these days (If someone could explain the appeal of texting things like “Wassup?” or “Wow, it’s raining really hard here” I would greatly appreciate it).

At the time of this incident, I was in bed, but I hadn’t told him that and there was nothing sexy about the situation (unless you’re turned on by a Clinton inauguration sweatshirt and sociology textbook). He was relaying boring details about his day (aren’t you supposed to save those for a relationship?) and I was responding with the texting equivalent of “uh huh,” when out of nowhere he texted, “We need to makeout.”

For a moment, I wondered if my friend and I could be dealing with the same dude. But since they have different area codes (seriously, that’s about all we knew about them) I have to conclude that there are multiple guys attempting to skip right to first base without all the hassle of meeting girls and talking to them.  Where’s an umpire when you need him?