The ultimate speedy dater

My younger brother recently escaped from a very long-term relationship. He’s dating again, and although I haven’t convinced him to pick up the sport of speed dating, he’s managed to hook a few from the weirdest depths of the dating pool all on his own.

LDB (Little Dating Brother, of course) began his search at a pretty conventional fishing hole–the college party. (Pause for a moment of nostalgia: how much cooler and more efficient was the keg line than speed dating? They might have been freaks, geeks or jerks, but at least you had verification of their age, neighborhood and approximate SAT score.) Anyway, LDB met a girl, got her number, and arranged to meet her.

When he arrived at the bar, he found that part of his job had already been done for him: the girl was kinda drunk. He helped her along with a few more drinks and before long, the following conversation took place.

“I have something to confess. I have a boyfriend,” she said.

He replied, “Oh, that’s totally fine. I don’t really do the whole monogamous thing. In fact, the other girl I’m seeing right now also has a boyfriend.” (I know, LDB’s dating style is a little unconventional, and probably merits a post of its own, but the point here is to make fun of other people.)

The girl seemed displeased and eventually explained that she is not polyamorous. (Don’t know that term? Look it up, but not on a work computer.) Rather, her boyfriend is 53 and she’d like to replace him with someone younger, but doesn’t want to make the leap until she’s sure his replacement is in place. This night at the bar was LDB’s single audition for the position of long-term boyfriend.

Obviously, I can’t support any girl rejecting the li’l bro, but I have to admire the way she’s expanded the speed dating model to cover the entire development of a relationship. Why waste months getting dressed up for dates, gradually getting to know someone, and waiting to¬†see whether you’re ready for a mutual commitment? Just decide whether he gets a thumbs up or down, and then skip right to farting in bed and wearing raggedy sweats on Saturday night.

Don’t say that #154

I swear, I’m not one of those girls who evaluates my date’s fatherhood potential on the first date. (“Why don’t any of the guys in this bar want to have kids with me?” a particularly desperate friend once whined to me.) But when you mention in the first few minutes that you work a pretty normal schedule now but would kick it up to 80-100 hours a week if you had kids, it’s pretty clear you’re not going to be into the whole co-parenting thing.

Booty text

You’d think that once I’ve put my dating life on the internet, I’d have nothing left to be embarrassed by. You’d be wrong.

I had just arrived for a weekend visit home and was¬†chatting with my parents while I waited for a friend to contact me about our plans for the evening. So when the text alert on my phone sounded, the conversation stopped. And when, after reading the message, I shouted, “Oh my god! No freaking way!” my parents noticed. “What did Liz say?” my mom asked. I had to explain that no, the message wasn’t from Liz. Rather it was a guy (a speed dater, incidentally) I’d broken up with nine months earlier. He was texting me at 10:30 on a Friday with an invitation for some “no-strings-attached fun.” This inspired a family discussion of the pros and cons of “hanging out” with someone you’ve dumped. Awkward.

So thank you, Mr. Ex, for allowing me to share this quality booty text moment with my loved ones.

Don’t say that #199

A question on one of the online dating sites asks whether you prefer a partner who is very busy or one who has a lot of time available to spend with you. That may be an issue of personal preference, but I think I can speak for all women when I say it’s not a good idea to tell someone, “Yeah, I like speed dating because at least it gets me out of the house.”

The first-ever Speed Dating Girl poll.