The art of dumping

One of the advantages of speed dating is that the relationships end simply. The whistle blows, you say “Nice to meet you” and you’re done.

Obviously, ending longer relationships is a little more complicated, but I used to consider myself pretty skilled at this. When my roommate was so nice about dumping a guy that he didn’t get it, I crafted a polite but firm email for her to send. And when he still didn’t get it, and showed up on our doorstep in the rain, I sent him away with reassurances that although it was definitely over, it wasn’t him, it was her.

But the more opportunities I get to practice the skill, the worse I get at it, it seems. I’m sure Miss Manners would be disappointed to know that I’ve dumped by email. I’ve also done it at 8 a.m. (In my defense, I had been itching to end things since about 4, so it felt like I had exercised eternities of restraint.) 

That’s why I would like to propose some national standards for dumping. The solution could either be a form (“You are (blank) but this is not working out because (blank)”) or, better yet, a service. In his new movie, George Clooney flies around the country firing people for employers who are too chicken to do it themselves. Why not do the same for dating? I would gladly pay $100, maybe even more, to avoid that awkward final conversation. You, as the dumper, provide your reasons and any items that need to be returned (a complication I failed to consider before the email dump) to the consultant. They set up a meeting with your soon-to-be-insignificant other and offer an explanation and a shoulder to cry on.

Now I just need to find someone who wants to be a professional dumper. If we could get George Clooney to do it, that would definitely soften the blow.


2 thoughts on “The art of dumping

  1. You know what makes dumping really easy? If you’ve ever been dumped- made to feel small or sad or bad or left with that empty I’m-just-not-good-enough feeling. I don’t think you’ve ever really been dumped, had your heart broken or *really* felt alone. Once you start seriously *playing the game* you might just get hurt. Then, baby, you’ll be better as dumping.

    Thx…great blog

    • Thanks for the comment and I’m glad you like the blog, xtian. But my goal was to make dumping less painful, not more, so I’m not sure being a lonelier, sadder person would really make me better at that.

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