It’s so nice to start off a new year totally unencumbered. That must have been what inspired me to commit the double faux pas of breaking up with a guy during the holidays and doing it by text.
I used to like texting with dates. It was quick (you know how I feel about speed) and avoided the awkward silences that often arise when talking to a near-stranger on the phone. (“Uh, so, what do you want to do?” “I don’t know. What do you want to do?”) But with greater experience, I have concluded that this new technology poses a potential national disaster. Forget legislation about texting while driving, and start banning texting while dating, which is vastly more likely to lead to the extinction of our species.
It’s not just me. Friends have reported weird relationship texts, ranging from the mysteriously brief (“Hey” after a several-month silence) to the detailed yet incomprehensible (“Eating @ the corner of canal and hester. Thought of u. I can c in here” from a guy with whom she had not yet been on a date). But my guy’s signature move was even more irritating than mystifying. He never answered phone calls or responded to voicemails. Instead, a couple of days after I called him, he would text a message like, “Meant to call you but was busy last night. Call me tonight.” Uh no. Unless a woman is your secretary or your mom, you don’t order her to call you.
It’s possible that what he meant to say was something like, “I would very much like to talk to you, but unavoidable circumstances prevented me from contacting you sooner, and now I am afraid that I would be interrupting your busy, important life if I called you. Please forgive me, and contact me at your convenience.” I’ll never know, though, because in the two months before I ended our relationship we had only one atextual encounter.
However, the Texter’s loss is your gain, readers. Since the holidays were coming, I prepared for the possibility that we would make the leap from texting to hanging out in person and exchanging presents. The gift is really not suitable for anyone else, so I’m going to offer it as a prize in the first-ever Speed Dating Girl contest (because people who win stuff for free can’t bitch about its unsuitability).
SO, THE CONTEST
Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with your best inappropriate dumping or texting story. I will select a winner in the upcoming weeks and post his or her story on SDG in addition to providing the awesome mystery prize.