What are you getting for the twelve days of Christmas?
If you answered “a dozen surly-looking atheist dudes,” then we must have sent the same letter to Santa. Actually it was OKcupid.com that bestowed that gift on me. For 12 days, the site has been sending me an atheist to date every day (just by email, not in person), apparently from some misimpression that only religious people are busy shopping, stuffing their faces with chocolate, and getting drunk at office parties.
But maybe they’re right, since from the low-lit, sullen pictures, these guys don’t appear to be having much fun. The photos are nothing compared to the scary screennames, however. I introduce to you a selection of my faith-free dating options: uhohpolio, vagrantimpulse, radiantdecay, deadcheese and last, but certainly not least, cockofspock.
Creepy, no? It’s almost enough to tempt a heathen with conveniently mixed heritage into cruising some church socials and Matzo Balls. (Yes, it is an event, as well as a food.)
You may have noticed that I take a quantity-will-bring-quality approach to dating. Recently, it went to an extreme. After my online profile attracted an unusual number of emails (guys desperately searching for someone to kiss under the mistletoe, I’m guessing), I found myself virtually dating four men at the same time. One lived in New York City, one was 10 years older than me, one couldn’t spell (I shouldn’t judge, but I can’t help it, I’m an editor!) and one was still technically married.
Despite that promising start, I found myself getting stood up twice in a single week. Guess the older guy was serious about how he’s only into cybering. (Research that vocab at your own risk.)
Naturally, I bitched about the situation to the next person I ran into in the office kitchen. Luckily it was a woman my age instead of the company CEO. So she told me about how she had successfully met her boyfriend online: “I searched Match for a guy who was an atheist, didn’t want kids, and mentioned Edgar Allen Poe in his profile. There were two. I’m with one of them.”
Her story blew my mind. Of course, it’s all about the search terms! I’ve been putting myself– and you, dear readers– through all this ridiculousness for nothing. When you want something these days and don’t know where to find it, what do you do? Duh, you ask Google. (Like the definition of cybering, for example. Sorry about the pictures, but I did warn you.)
So I gave it a shot. And I got this tragic response: “Your search – boyfriend for speeddatinggirl – did not match any documents.” Then Google had the nerve to suggest that I might have spelled my query wrong.
But all hope is not lost. At the top of that empty white page was an ad.
Find Everyday Low Prices at Yahoo!
At last it’s time to announce the winner of the latest SDG contest. Our anonymous submitter didn’t explain whether or not the guy who used this line got lucky but it made her lucky enough to win the fabulous t-shirt displayed below. Her submission:
I was already in this guy’s apartment, when he asked me: “Do you want to see my comic book collection?” I followed him to the bedroom, and then he confessed that he didn’t have a comic book collection but just really wanted to make out with me. Classy moves!
This story is awesome for two reasons. First, he already had her inside, so the fact that he needed a line to get things going is pretty funny.* Second, he could have made up any excuse on Earth to get her into the bedroom, but he went with the absolutely nerdiest possible one.
*Of course this depends on her reason for being in the apartment. Once I was hanging around the apartment of the guy I was sort-of seeing when his couchsurfing friend apparently decided that my presence counted as foreplay. “So, you wanna fuck?” he asked. Now that’s a classy line.
I’ve selected a winner of the Lucky Line contest, whose hilarious story will be posted next week. But Little Dating Brother, who was technically ineligible for the contest based on his status both as a regular SDG contributor and my brother (I already have to give him one present this month!), also had a great story. I’ll let him report it in his own words. Note that he gets extra props for telling this embarrassing anecdote on himself.
I was visiting a friend in Boston for a blues cruise. I was introduced to one of her friends and we hit it off. We made out on the boat some (which went about as well as you would expect two drunk people making out on a swaying boat would go), and then in a bar we headed to afterward.
After a polite hint from another friend in the bar that it was time for us to go somewhere more appropriate, I realized I was in the awkward situation of having to invite myself back to her place. Having decided that there was no really suave way to pull that off, I went with the direct: “I’m staying on somebody’s couch, so if this is going anywhere, we need to go back to your place.” And indeed it worked.
Unfortunately, or possibly fortunately but not very classily, when we arrived at her apartment I realized I didn’t have enough money to pay for the cab, so I had to ask her to chip in. Hey, all’s well that ends well, right?
This week’s life lesson from LDB: when aiming for a sleepover, pack not only protection and a toothbrush, but also a big wad of cash.