You’re never too old.

I promised a while ago to check in with LDB. Turns out he’s been too busy working (or so he says) to have his own dating adventures, but he did have a story to tell on a friend.

LDB and the friend, who is a girl, had taken the train to a nearby city for a night out on the town.

“she picked up a guy in a bar. she went home with him. he was 31,” LDB reports. (Before all of you readers who are elderly capitalizing types like me take offense, know that his age is relevant to the rest of the story.)

In the morning, she and LDB hopped the train home, where he discovered that her date had left a gift to remember him by:  “a trail of hickeys on her neck, maybe six or so distinct very obvious hickeys. was so ridiculous-looking i asked her to switch seats on the train home, so i would stop getting distracted and cracking up.”

But he wasn’t the only one with the potential to be distracted. The hickey victim had a bunch of important meetings in the upcoming week, and it was summer so turtlenecks were out. She had also inconveniently recently gotten her hair cut stylishly short.  “she ended up coating her neck in expensive coverup” reported LDB, thus sadly negating the cost savings of accepting those free drinks in the bar.

I have only one thing to say about this: That date sucked!

Ha, ha. No, actually LDB (dedicated Socialist that he is) had his own punchline for the story.  “also, he was a republican.”

Downer dater

I’m not one of those people with a really detailed long-term life plan (Except not to be the lamest person at Speed Dating 2050: “What’s that, young man? Three things I like? Well, my dentures, fiber and a comfy pair of polyester slacks, of course.”) but I recently speed dated a guy who was seriously lacking in dreams.

He started the conversation by telling me about his career history, which involved going to podiatry school, quitting podiatry school, and becoming a high school teacher. “Do you like teaching?” I asked. “Nope,” he said, “I’d give it about a 4 out of 10.” “But it’s better than podiatry?” I asked, clinging to my upbeat dating personality (the Dr. Hyde to my blogging side). “Yeah, that was a 1,” he said.

“So, what would you really like to do?” I asked. “Hunh,” he said. “I have no idea. Maybe something like this.” My eyes lit up. Could I finally have found the man to share my dream of traveling the world, dating people and then making fun of them? Luckily, before I could bare my soul, he finished his thought. “I mean, like own a bar or something. It seems like that would make a lot of money,” he said, before adding sadly, “but probably not.”

There’s gotta be a catch.

We’ve discussed my family and friends’ adventures with polyamory before. It’s not my thing, but I totally get the sentiment behind it– limiting yourself to only sleeping with one person is not for everybody.

But I am a little more confused by this online dater who emailed a friend of mine (who had nothing hinting at non-monogamy on her profile) to let her know that he was interested and “NON possessive.” The caps are his, as are all of the upcoming winks. I think he might have some kind of facial tic.

He said: I hope you are not offended by the idea that I truly believe a woman can have the best of both worlds. Have a wonderful always totally faithful to you man at home and yet only you can still be allowed to see another guy occasionally 😉 Unconditionally love baby! 😉 No im not kidding…just different 😉 Ask me and I will explain…;)

I had so many questions (How often is occasionally? As long as you’re staying home, could you do the cooking and cleaning, too?) but disappointingly, my friend did not respond to his generous offer.

Finding the best policy.

When guys talk about why they’re speed dating (not one of my recommended topics, since it leads easily into insulting your date, which I like to save for later in a relationship), a lot of them say, “Because people on online dating sites lie about themselves.”

Sure, everybody fudges a few pounds or inches (like my 5’6″ date whose head I could see over even though I’m 5’4″), but I’ve always thought that totally fake profiles were more of an urban legend than a reality. That is, until I heard this story from a friend.

He met a girl online, and her profile–both the words and photos–indicated that she was 5’9″ and very attractive. So they set up a date, and he waited at the bar for her to arrive. He didn’t pay much attention when a woman who was 5’1″ and about equally wide walked in, until she came over and introduced herself. Yup, that was his date. She admitted that she had used photos of a totally different woman to lure guys into meeting her.

The strategy didn’t work on him– my friend made the date even shorter than his date– and it seems like proof that you should just be honest in your profile, right?

Except that honesty can be taken too far, too, as another online dater I recently spotted proves. He describes himself as already married and living in the suburbs and provides this appealing photo:

Delighted to dump

I have always assumed that the rest of the dating world shares my distaste for dumping people. (And that some folks have even more. My mom recently told me, “You are really good at rejecting guys you don’t like. I could never do that.” Still trying to figure out whether it was a compliment or an insult.)

So it’s a little mystifying that online daters have been contacting me just to let me know that we’re incompatible. One guy actually went with the subject line, “I don’t want to adventure with you.” (My profile says I’m looking for a guy who wants to join my adventure– cheesy, I know, but I have trouble selling myself without sounding like a travel brochure).  He went on to describe the flaws in the site’s matching software, as if he had me confused with either the customer service department or his robot servant. 

At least my other complainer’s issues were specifically directed at me, like my hypocrisy in loving my Subaru while claiming to care about the environment. Lucky I didn’t mention how I also like to eat and be skinny or vacation and have money.

But my friend beats that with her story of a guy from online whom she agreed to firstdate. (How many times will I have to use this word before Webster’s bites?) Then she changed her mind and cancelled the date. A few days later, he left her “a rambling/ranting voicemail about how I was ‘boring and bland’ and he never wanted to go out with me anyway.”

The best part? He called at 3 am! Could it be the start of a new trend, phoning people you don’t want to have sex with in the middle of the night? Just in case the dictionary writers are still reading, I’m proposing a name: let’s hear it for the “Giving the boot-y” call.