A friend recently passed along the following amazing story. At first, you’re probably going to wonder what it has to do with dating. But when you’re single, everything relates to dating! No, seriously, I’m not just talking about Speed Dating Girl’s philosophy of life. You’ll see.
“I turned to shut the door behind me and he was in the doorway of the building. He mumbled and I didn’t understand. I said, ‘I’m sorry I
didn’t hear what you said.’ Then he said, ‘Give me your money.’ I said, ‘No.’ He asked if I had any money. And I said, ‘No.’ Then he said he
smelled alcohol and asked if I was drunk. I said, ‘No’ and asked if he was drunk.
“He laughed and said, ‘I like you.’ He put up his fist for me to pound, and we pounded fists. Then he said, ‘Why don’t you give me your number and I’ll take you out sometime.’ I said no, I would not give him my number. Then he said some dirty things. And I said ‘I’m sorry, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.’ And he did. And he closed the door behind himself.”
I always thought the key to my speed dating success (To all of you who just muttered in unison “What success?”: Shut up. I’m talking.) was my witty conversation skills. But now I’ve just learned, thanks to alert reader, that I’ve been going about this all wrong. According to the advertisement he passed along, the latest trend in speed dating is…silence.
Yes, that’s right, at this event in DC, “An even number of singles meet in an attractive space over drinks and world beats…each pair spends up to two minutes looking into each other’s eyes, no talking… switch every one to two minutes, for a total of around half an hour…. Two minutes of eye contact is the Cadillac of ice-breakers.”
I can see the advantages. Never hear another “Don’t say that.” Avoid those super awkward and super boring conversations (which, as you may recall, I found an excess of in our nation’s capital). But how exactly would assess your compatibility during a staring contest– by eye color? I can hardly imagine a more painful activity, except like…listening to world beats. Ok, maybe it does work. Because I’m pretty sure any guy I would date would rather take a bullet than sit through this event.
Yup, I’m going to stick with good old conversation, which I like to think of as the Chevy of ice-breakers. That analogy may be my favorite part of the whole thing. Obviously, a boob grab would be the Hummer, and a line like “Did you Windex your pants? Because I can see myself in them.” would be the Corvette. But what, for example, is the robot/monkey question? Different from the norm, but a tiny bit pretentious– perhaps the Prius of ice-breakers?
I thought I had seen almost everything that could happen at a speed dating event. So I was totally unprepared for the crazy scene that took place on a recent night. (Yes, an honest-to-goodness scene. Do you know how excited I was? It totally made up for my getting ZERO matches at the event.)
We were all in the backroom of a bar doing our speed-dating thing, when a woman stomped into the room, looked around, and walked over to one of the tables. She then stood there, silently glaring at the guy seated at the table. He excused himself from his date and walked with her to the front of the bar. Sadly, they had moved out of my line of sight, but by thorough interrogation of every guy I dated for the rest of the night, I got the rest of the story. (I wonder if that could have something do to with my lack of matches. Whatev. I have my priorities.)
Anyway, according to my dates’ reports, once the angry woman got the speed dater out of the room, she commenced yelling and dragging him out of the bar in a way that indicated she was his current girlfriend.
From this evidence, I can guess that his explanation of his speed dating adventure didn’t go very well, but I have so many more questions: What made him think that speed dating was a good way to pick up some action on the side? Does he know about the world wide web? And how did she find out where he was? But most importantly, did he get more matches than me?
Just because celebrities are doing it doesn’t mean you should.
I’m guessing this guy, who my friend recently tried to stop dating, must have been inspired by the recent rash of movies about friends with benefits. But he needs to work on his game a little more if he wants to be the next Ashton Kutcher. My friend had spent three dates (and one quick kiss) with him, decided it wasn’t working out, and politely emailed him to tell him that. His response:
“If you find yourself looking for a firm once over from a guy friend without all the traditional relationship who-ha and expectations and stuff… Being that I am single, I would be game for that…”
A firm once over? Who-ha? This weirdo may have been trying for Ashton, but he came off more like DeNiro.