Don’t say that #90

can i touch you nose xo

That was the entire message that my friend recently received from an online dater. And I promise you, her nose is totally normal, so a stranger desiring to touch it struck us both as a little strange. Then it occurred to me– thanks to the writer’s lack of interest in punctuation and spelling (which would obviously make him and me incompatible) there are alternative interpretations. Perhaps he was saying “Can I touch you?” (still not appropriate, but more normal) and then signing his message with his nickname, “Nose.”

So my friend passed along his profile photo, and let’s just say, his nose did not appear to be the body part to which he wanted to draw attention. Thanks to a computer-generated white box bearing the word “Richard,” his photo was only R-rated, not NC-17, but it also had a caption: “Is it Richard Marx or Dick Cheney? Hmm.” You can take a few minutes to think about that one. I’ll be over here in the corner at the emergency eye wash.

A guy who knows what he wants.

I’m being terribly lazy using other people’s material two weeks in a row, but the profile of a guy who recently emailed me was so great, I have to share it with all of you. Not sure we’re compatible, but at least we know he gives good presents.

My self-summary

lookin for someone sexy n has sexy lips. must be sexy 2 hit me up.

I’m really good at

sex yes i said it sex i cant help it im blessed down there. as well as basketball.

On a typical Friday night

I am chillin n the crib with a bottle of apple 99

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

that i was part of a threesome but i had to it was her birthday

Poll results!

Full of turkey and cheer, SDG is feeling unusually uncynical. At least about her readers. Dates are another story.

Anyway, your responses to the recent poll were awesome. (Once I found them, that is.  My success rate with new computer programs is even lower than with guys.)  So, to start, there were a few of you who offered serious responses, all of which came to basically the same conclusion:

  • Divorced & new to the market
  • recently exited a very long term relationship
  • Unlucky in love as well

Then there was the mysterious one. I don’t know exactly what it means (submitter, if you’re out there, feel free to elaborate). Being ever-paranoid, my first guess was that it was a dig at me and my lack of, and lack of interest in, said trait:

  • kind

But, unlike me, a couple of you are quite kind. Thanks for your faith, anonymous readers! Or whichever of my relatives submitted these answers:

  • your Prince Charming (ever the optimist)
  • finally one that’s worthy of you

And then, last but not least, there were all you funny people. At least, I assume they were all meant to be funny. If you’re serious, last submitter, I now totally understand why you never called.

  • robot
  • a priest
  • so awesome he intimidates everyone he dates
  • He’s me in 9 years.
  • reading your blog right now.

You solve the mystery

Last week I went on a date with a single guy who is 35, has a good job, was nice to talk to, and very, very, very good-looking. How crazy is that? Readers, can you help resolve my confusion by taking the second-ever SDG poll?

Don’t say that #35

I know that some people, unlike me, may not view their online dating as a full-fledged marketing campaign. It’s possible that they don’t even recruit a professional editor and a semi-professional dater (yes, LDB, I’m talking about you) to conduct a pre-publication review of their promotional materials profile. But a guy who emailed me recently stood out for his remarkable lack of salesmanship.

He wrote, “I wish I had something creative or witty to say but I do not…I know this is a waste of time cause you will read this and look at my profile and decide I am not up to par like majority of the women on here.”

Being the overthinker that I am, I assumed that this was some tricky reverse psychology. So I wrote back and asked if he was always so negative or only when trying to pick up girls. (Clever, right? My focus group thought so.)

He responded, “Well being positive does not help. That only works for guys who dress like some douchebag with their hair gel back wearing a Ed Hardy/Tapout shirt.”

Even my nationwide telephone survey couldn’t come up with a perky answer to that one.

My brush with fame

Dating a celebrity has always seemed like a logical outcome to my romantic adventures. After all, I have this blog that’s read around the world (particularly by lonely guys in India, it seems– thanks for your visit, sexking). And several famous older men have hooked up with women my age (Clooney– if this one doesn’t work out, call me! Cruise– um, nevermind).

So it was hardly a surprise when I was emailed by a guy who claimed to be frequently mistaken for Vin Diesel. I am such a fan that I not only watch XXX every time it comes on TV (or at least the scenes where he takes his shirt off), I’ve even seen parts (the ones in the shower, of course) of that crappy movie where he plays a nanny.  I enthusiastically responded to his message and things seemed to be going well. He even wanted to meet in person!

So we scheduled a date, and even though I should know better based on recent experience, I got dolled up. (A friend once told me that, like carrying an umbrella to ward off rain, shaving your legs before going out guarantees that you won’t get laid. I ‘m now expanding that theory to conclude that blow-drying your hair ensures that you won’t even get to the bar.)

Yeah, so Vin canceled on the morning of our date. Because he had met a girl the night before and wanted to pursue a relationship with her. (How totally celebrity is that? They’ve probably already been married and divorced in the two weeks since.)

I was sad, but only momentarily, because just then I received an email from a guy with the screen name DJJAMMINJEFF. Sweet, a replacement celebrity! I had visions of us rapping and picking out baggy neon clothes together. But then I clicked on the message, and although it’s been a while since the Fresh Prince days, I’m pretty sure the DJ Jeff I was thinking of isn’t a chubby white guy from New Jersey.

Don’t say that #7 1/2

I, like many women, am interested in shoes. But I had never really thought of them as a major part of dating life until a friend of mine went out with a guy we’ll call Señor Shoe.

It all started with a hurricane. My friend and the Señor met online and exchanged some texts before arranging a date. She told him about how she was having some friends over to spend the hurricane at her house, and he wrote back something about how he was picturing her sitting on the couch wearing galoshes.

A little weird, but not rule-him-out crazy, right? Then, when they were scheduling their date, he brought up his preference that she not wear heels, since she’s about his height. A lot of not-so-tall guys probably feel that way, but most of them wait at least until after they’ve met you to bring it up.

So my friend obligingly dressed for their first date in the flattest shoes she owns. Then, just before she left her house, she got a text from Señor…INQUIRING ABOUT HER FOOTWEAR!

She reassured him that she was wearing flipflops instead of heels. And I’ll let her tell you the rest of the story.

“He said he wasn’t a fan of flipflops, and when I met him it came up again and I asked if he didn’t like them on anyone, or just on himself, and basically, yes, he doesn’t like them on anyone except at the beach. In my defense, my flip flips are cute!”

No, I’m willing to go a lot farther in your defense, anonymous friend, and hereby declare a new “Don’t say that” in honor of your willingness to sit through a whole date with this weirdo. Next time a guy asks, “What shoes are you wearing?” put on your sneakers and run!