Don’t say that #90

can i touch you nose xo

That was the entire message that my friend recently received from an online dater. And I promise you, her nose is totally normal, so a stranger desiring to touch it struck us both as a little strange. Then it occurred to me– thanks to the writer’s lack of interest in punctuation and spelling (which would obviously make him and me incompatible) there are alternative interpretations. Perhaps he was saying “Can I touch you?” (still not appropriate, but more normal) and then signing his message with his nickname, “Nose.”

So my friend passed along his profile photo, and let’s just say, his nose did not appear to be the body part to which he wanted to draw attention. Thanks to a computer-generated white box bearing the word “Richard,” his photo was only R-rated, not NC-17, but it also had a caption: “Is it Richard Marx or Dick Cheney? Hmm.” You can take a few minutes to think about that one. I’ll be over here in the corner at the emergency eye wash.

Don’t say that #200

I’ve been using the word douchebag a lot lately. Either because it’s popular slang right now or because I keep finding myself on dates with guys who say things like, “I’ve been thinking of getting a degree from Harvard Law sometime. Not because I’m interested in law, but just to say that I did it.”

Don’t say that #35

I know that some people, unlike me, may not view their online dating as a full-fledged marketing campaign. It’s possible that they don’t even recruit a professional editor and a semi-professional dater (yes, LDB, I’m talking about you) to conduct a pre-publication review of their promotional materials profile. But a guy who emailed me recently stood out for his remarkable lack of salesmanship.

He wrote, “I wish I had something creative or witty to say but I do not…I know this is a waste of time cause you will read this and look at my profile and decide I am not up to par like majority of the women on here.”

Being the overthinker that I am, I assumed that this was some tricky reverse psychology. So I wrote back and asked if he was always so negative or only when trying to pick up girls. (Clever, right? My focus group thought so.)

He responded, “Well being positive does not help. That only works for guys who dress like some douchebag with their hair gel back wearing a Ed Hardy/Tapout shirt.”

Even my nationwide telephone survey couldn’t come up with a perky answer to that one.

Don’t say that #7 1/2

I, like many women, am interested in shoes. But I had never really thought of them as a major part of dating life until a friend of mine went out with a guy we’ll call Señor Shoe.

It all started with a hurricane. My friend and the Señor met online and exchanged some texts before arranging a date. She told him about how she was having some friends over to spend the hurricane at her house, and he wrote back something about how he was picturing her sitting on the couch wearing galoshes.

A little weird, but not rule-him-out crazy, right? Then, when they were scheduling their date, he brought up his preference that she not wear heels, since she’s about his height. A lot of not-so-tall guys probably feel that way, but most of them wait at least until after they’ve met you to bring it up.

So my friend obligingly dressed for their first date in the flattest shoes she owns. Then, just before she left her house, she got a text from Señor…INQUIRING ABOUT HER FOOTWEAR!

She reassured him that she was wearing flipflops instead of heels. And I’ll let her tell you the rest of the story.

“He said he wasn’t a fan of flipflops, and when I met him it came up again and I asked if he didn’t like them on anyone, or just on himself, and basically, yes, he doesn’t like them on anyone except at the beach. In my defense, my flip flips are cute!”

No, I’m willing to go a lot farther in your defense, anonymous friend, and hereby declare a new “Don’t say that” in honor of your willingness to sit through a whole date with this weirdo. Next time a guy asks, “What shoes are you wearing?” put on your sneakers and run!

Don’t say that #35

My conversational rules usually only apply during speed dates. But for this week’s case, I’m going to make an exception and extend the window of “what not to say to a girl you’ve just met” from four minutes to eight hours. My friend had met a guy and things were going very, very well (they were in her bed), when he opened his mouth and revealed that he was already working on his escape plan.

“If I don’t call you, call me. I’m an idiot and sometimes get busy and forget,” he said.

Right. Busy. I’ve never heard that one before.

Don’t say that #88

A quiet moment in the bar allowed me to overhear only a single sentence in the conversation between this speed dater and his date, but nonetheless, I’m 100% positive it was a don’t-say-that situation. “Yeah, he molested his last step-sister and was convicted of it,” the dater said.