Last week, I compared online dating to Netflix. This week has been more like Craigslist– all you want to do is set up a meeting to determine whether you and the other party want to do business (ahem), yet everyone you hear from turns out to be too crazy or flaky to make that happen.
My week started with Professor Thoughtful. His name makes him sound like a promising candidate, right? But no, he was thinking entirely too much. Over the course of two days, he sent me five emails, a total of ONE THOUSAND SEVEN HUNDRED AND THIRTY-NINE words, only to conclude, “I think it is probably a good idea to not meet.” Oh, and the kicker: “it tends to be infrequent that I am interested in women my age or older.”
After that, it was kind of a relief when The Headless Doctor contacted me. His entire profile only had 26 words, including my dear departed grandma’s three favorite: “I’m a doctor.” He also had posted only one photo, which as you’ve perhaps guessed by now, did not include his head. But if I had abs as fine as his, I probably wouldn’t bother showing my face either. His introductory email was even more concise: “Coffee?”
Liking his style, I agreed, and we made a plan to meet, using close to the minimum number of words. So far, things were going great. Then, on the day of– after I’d spent the whole day waltzing around my office in heels and an inappropriately short skirt– THD canceled by text. Or rescheduled, actually.
So along comes Date Day #2. I’m all cuted up again (I had even gotten to the point in my dress-up routine of stabbing myself in the eye with a mascara brush) and I decide to text him to confirm and figure out how we’ll meet. I was unfamiliar with not only his head, but also his name, so I’m suddenly picturing myself wandering around Starbucks asking guys, “Are you a doctor? Could you take your shirt off please?”
His response: “Who is this?”
Me: “The girl you’re meeting in an hour?”
Him: “Omg ai sent a txt thisa morning aboautA resachaedulingaab”
Um, what? Had he not been using more words because he didn’t know how? You know I couldn’t let that–or those incredibly ripped abs–go. But since this is breaking dating news, and this post has already gone on far too long, you’ll have to tune in next week for the finale. Are SDG and THD meant to be? Or will their relationship dissolve into alphabet soup?